Elevate-Haiti: Roller-coaster emotions

Emotions are such a strange thing. I heard once that emotions don't have an IQ, and I believe that is true. They just are what they are. Sometimes they behave like a child, sometimes they are wise beyond their years and often times, they contradict themselves as many emotions can be felt at the same time.

While we were preparing to leave Haiti, I was filled with sadness about leaving. I was worried that the time we would be gone was too long, that my kids wouldn't want to come back, that we would not get the funding we need. While these worries didn't consume me, they were always there, like a nagging tooth ache. They would pop up at unexpected times and I would have to go through the excercise of reminding myself that I trust God completely and that His will will ultimately reign. I would need to refocus my thoughts, not on my worries, but on glorifying God.

Then we arrived in America. At first, I felt ovewhelmed by all the 'good' things of America; good food, easy driving, lots of options for everything; just to name a few. But after about 3 weeks, I began to settle into American living. While I feel sad about America's spiritual and relational defecites, there are so many wonderful things about America. I have enjoyed the freedom of connecting with many of our supporters and being able to share the vision that God has given us. I love that my children have been able to start going to our church's middle school activities and have been welcomed warmly. I love ordering lattes. So then I start to think, what if God decides He isn't going to send us back to Haiti? What if we are supposed to go through this excercise of obedience but He actually has something completely different in mind? What if we are wasting our time trying to return to Haiti? Worry begins to consume me and I have to refocus my thoughts again, not on my wonderings about our future, but on glorifying God.

1 Peter 5:6-8

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries an cares to God, for he cares for you.

So now we are 6 week into our time in America and I feel thrilled to be able to gather often with our family. We have missed them terribly. I feel blessed to spend time just being in the presence of my friends. I am excited about watching God open doors and developing new relationships that He has planned. I know we are on the right path when doors routinely open and blessings abound as we fundraise for our return to Haiti. So now, I am starting to miss Haiti. I miss our friends there, I miss being able to work on the frontlines, I miss being where God has called us.

Then I start to worry that maybe the funding won't come in. Maybe we won't be able to follow through on this calling. I have doubts like we don't know enough people, those that have said they will support us will forget or get distracted, that God can't/won't step in. My mind starts to make God very small and I start to think that maybe we aren't doing enough. Our goal has been to meet with at least one person or group a day (often we try to meet with two) but maybe that isn't enough. My thoughts begin to spin, again. I have to refocus my thoughts, not on my worry about 'doing', but on remembering that God has called me to follow not lead, and my only job is to glorify God.

Matthew 11:28-30

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.

I waste so much time and energy on thinking about things that were, are, or could be. This part of my humanity annoys me. Yet, God created me and He knows all about my humanity. A part of me wants to hide my doubts, pretend that they don't exist. Put on a perfect face, share perfect stories, I know I can do this if I try just a little. Another part wants to dwell on these thoughts for eternity. Try to find my own solutions. But, what I have learned is that God wants me to bring these honest emotions and thoughts to him, not hide them or let them distract me. He wants me to tell him all about them, then leave them with Him. Knowing that He can take care of all things. God invites me to wrestle with these emotions with him.

Numbers 23:19a

God is ot a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind.

I am so grateful that I follow a God that is not ruled by emotions. A God that is all powerful, all knowing, all present. We have watched God change circumstances, do the unexpectated and deliver miracles. I am so glad that I follow a God that is intimately involved in my life and one who wants to be in relationship with me. My God knows all about my ever changing emotions and He has this, and all circumstances, in his control.